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To whom it may concern. I’ll be damned, it’s noon and already 10 texts deep. $1.50.
I don’t like repeating myself. I really really don’t. I only do that when a first attempt at sending a message doesn’t go through…you know, like when you attempt to send a text message to somebody and it fails so you resend. While we’re on the subject…let’s stay there.
Last Christmas I informed everybody of my frustration with these %$%$!! mass text messages. They’re like mass emails (like this one) but 9 times out of 10 they’re trite, arbitrary, bland and cost money. OK, some of you have free text messaging on your phones. Well, I still have a cassette walkman and was evil the day auto makers stopped putting tape players in cars – I had to burn all my music on CD’s which took over a year including that real nice Ice-T album that had bonus cuts only on the tape- so I obviously don’t give a %^$* about the latest technology. Don’t give me that Blackberry/Bluetooth sh*t either unless your name is in Forbes Magazine. I don’t do none of that sh*t and those that know me know that I DON”T HAVE FREE TEXT MESSAGING ON MY CEL PHONE PLAN. EVERY TEXT MESSAGE COSTS ME 15 CENTS TO SEND AND RECEIVE. Don’t get me wrong, if you want to wish me a happy holiday then say “Yo Jay, Happy Holidays” in the text. That’s fine and I appreciate the thought. Or pick up the *%#!%! phone and call me. If you’re so hi tech you must have a lotta minutes on your iphone or whatever that sh*t is. E-Mail me, it’s free! But this mass text message sh*t gotta stop and I mean right mutha%#!*&% now. Especially in this economy. Between Thanksgiving and New Years, I get an average of 40 “Happy/Merry whatever the &%$#” text messages. And half of these jokers that send them are loose music biz affiliates that I never bothered to save their number but they apparently kept every number they ever got and mass text these one liner greetings and I have no idea who the %@!* they are (take me off your event list too, especially if I don’t live in the same state as you). When I them call back to invoice them for my 15 cents, they don’t pick up the $&#*!* phone! Lets do some arithmetic…
40 Text Messages @ $0.15 cents each = $6.00
Half of these texts are from people whose numbers aren’t saved in my phone, so I have to call them back to see who it is and cuss them out. 90% go to robot voicemail. 90% of these texts are during peak hours, so I get charged for approximately 18 one minute calls before 9PM trying to get reimbursed my 15 cents. I have 600 anytime and free nights and weekends on my plan. I usually use about 587 minutes in the winter months (I like to leave a lil room so I don’t get charged $1.25 per minute for going over 600). Therefore, I run a risk of going over my anytime minutes by about 5 minutes.
5 minutes @ $1.25 per minute = $6.25
Taxes and fees are about $0.75
$6.00 + $6.25 + $0.75 = $13.00
That’s $13.00 pointlessly spent for no %*&!% reason at all. Simply for having a cel phone and being a victim of pointless text dreck. They just pile up like L blocks in a game of Tetris when Christmas rolls around. If I up my plan, that’s another $10 a month…$120 for the year. $140 including taxes and surcharges. I can hear y’all talkin’ sh*t about me right now. “Yo man J-Zone is mad cheap, he’s pitchin a b**ch over $13.” OK, I’m cheap, so what? Go head and talk that sh*t. But if you walked into White Castle and the cashier asked you for $13 but you didn’t ask to buy food, would you just give it to him/her simply because you were in there? Let that marinate for a second…and in the meantime here is a list of things I can do with $13…
– Get a shape-up (or a full haircut if I see my man Jay-Mee) and have $3 left over for a new toothbrush…the good kind with the bristles that reach deep in the gums and massage them.
– Fill half my tank with Mobil 87 gas (since prices went back down).
– Buy 2 bags of Asian Style Chicken Breasts at Trader Joes (with some money left over if I get lighter bags).
– A 6 pack of Adidas Moisture Wicking Athletic Crew Socks at Marshalls.
– A sealed copy of Pimps Up, Hoes Down on DVD via amazon.com including shipping.
– 31 stamps and only having to come out of pocket $0.02.
Hopefully sending this message out early in the holiday season thwarts some of this text message crap and I can save some money and save you the impending headache of me bossing up on you for my $0.15…because I swear on a stack of James Brown 45’s I’m not even kidding, I’m dead a$$ serious. If you strike on all 3 holidays, that’s $0.45. Learn to contact people directly when you think of them. Yeah it takes time, but it was never a problem before text messaging. E-mail me (it’s free!!!!), get at me personally or remove me off your text list because your tab is running and ye$ I will be paid, I will be paid.
Feel free to paypal me $13 at this e-mail address tomorrow…or order a Chief Chinchilla: Live @ The Liqua Sto CD from me…it’s the same price. That’s black Friday for your mutha f%$#!* a$$…the day I get reimbursed for ya’ll getting greedy with your phone features…
If this doesn’t apply to you, enjoy your day…
Ho Ho Ho
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